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ANDREW'S
RANTS ARCHIVE #3 THE ANDREW' RANTS ARCHIVE OF PAST COLUMNS ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #1 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #2 CURRENT ANDREW'S RANTS ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #4 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #5 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #6 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #7 |
JUNE
6th, 2005 |
CARMIKE
CINEMAS It’s time for the Rant and Rave of the Week and it’s about the movie viewing experiences available here in Johnson City, TN. This week Carmike Cinemas are the target of my ire. Each time I go there I become so frustrated that I promise myself that I will never go again. The last movie I saw there was the "Haunted Mansion" by Disney. I assume it was a good movie that’s why I went to see it. But Disney has no control over the sloppy and downright deplorable practices of this fine establishment. The move started late, not really an issue in the overall viewing experience but I have a hang up about promptness as anyone who knows me will tell you. Then the film became twisted in the projector 20 seconds into the previews so that it was like looking through a kaleidoscope. This went on throughout the previews until I got up, went out found one of the "Human Shaped Monkeys" that worked there and informed them of the problem. Why should I have to do their job for them? Isn’t the projectionist supposed to be keeping track of these things? What are they being paid to do up there in that booth, pick their noses? I resumed my slouched viewing pose in the somewhat sticky chair encrusted with mystery stains. Now this theatre sports the touted "Stadium Seating" and is relatively new. Why can’t they keep up the investment of their recent renovation by occasionally doing more than sweeping the floor? After a movie there, I feel like "Spiderman" because the soles of my shoes are so sticky that I feel as if I could walk up a wall, and don’t even get me started on the goo that is splotched among various seats. I’ve sometimes wished I had one of those sanitary covers like some restrooms offer. At this point, about 7 minutes into the movie, I noticed that the sound track was out of sync with the video track. I thought they were all locked together on the film I didn’t know they could even get out of time. It wasn’t too bad and I decided to just grin and bear it. Instead I focused on ignoring the main problem I have with this particular theater. It is one that I have spoken to the managers about on more than one occasion. The image on screen is always bright in the middle but becomes progressively darker around the edges. It’s almost like tunnel vision. The director made the movie with the blocking of the entire screen in mind. But Carmike Cinemas in Johnson City appear to turn down the intensity of their projection bulbs to prolong the life of the unit. They are apparently quite expensive. But this practice results in providing a dim and underpowered image. The edges in bright scenes are noticeably darker as if seen through a pair of sun glasses. Darkened scenes such as a "Nighttime Shot" disappear into obscurity. On the occasions that I have voiced complaints, I have been told that this was not the practice of the theatre; but, the evidence provided me by my own eyes and the opinion of a friend who is a 30 year veteran of theatre management say otherwise. I gritted my teeth and endured the dim lighting and flickering edges. However after 20 minutes into the movie the sound was so far out of sync that it was like watching one of those old Godzilla films where the voice-overs leave the actors mouths moving for several seconds after the dialog has stopped. In this case you would hear a door slam almost a second after it happened on film. You might not think a second is a long time but look in the mirror and try a little lip syncing and see what a big visual difference it makes. Once again I stepped out of the movie and asked an indifferent Pimple Faced Teen in the attire of an employee if he could address the problem. I decided to wait for a response and also to see if his attention span would allow him to actually convey my message to someone with a higher than room temperature IQ. Shortly another Pizza Faced Teen returned with me to theater to see the problem for himself, as if perhaps I was making the complaint up for my own amusement. We stepped in far enough to see the screen. Eddy Murphy’s dialog was now almost 2 seconds out of sync with his lips. "Pizza Face" looks at me and says, "I don’t see a problem Sir. That’s the way it’s supposed to be". I’m sure I goggled at him in amazement for a moment until I realized that my goldfish more than likely had more going for it than this parody of a Sentient Being. At that point, I asked to speak to management and was informed that none were available until later in the evening. Gee, I wonder why the place is run like a "Third Rate Dollar Cinema on the Bad Side of Town". I got a refund on my admission price and left. So here we have a movie that cost Millions to make and Hundreds of People who put everything into getting the smallest detail just right, and we don’t get to see the end result as intended. What we get is an Out-of-Sync, Under-lit Piece of Celluloid that in no way resembled what was intended by Disney at all. My solution is this. Complain to the management if you are not happy. Don’t just sit there and take it. If you don’t do anything, no one will ever change things. One of my favorite sayings is “You are the Consumer not a Victim” remember that advice. We do have alternatives. The Reel to Real Theatre on North Roan Street is smaller with fewer screens but if there is a problem they will fix it, and you are not treated like an inconvenience if you wish to discuss an issue. The theatre has recently undergone a renovation and while I am not happy with the screen sizes, the sound is decent and the place is well kept, all except that poor worn out Galaga machine in the lobby. Somebody please either shoot it, or fix it but don’t just leave it to suffer like that. There is Tri Cities Cinema on the way to Bristol in the same shopping center as Carolina Pottery which offers a superior viewing experience to the Carmike Fiasco and if you want a truly quality movie going experience the Tinsel Town Cinemas in Bristol offer the areas only THX Certified Theaters. In fact, they might just be the only ones with that prestigious honor in the entire region. Sure it’s a drive but it’s worth it. The only downside to these three alternatives is distance for the last two mentioned and the fact that none of them have online ticket sales through sites such as Movies.com or Fandango. Keep in mind there are alternatives and if you are not happy let the management know. Otherwise you are just a sheep who takes whatever they might want to foist off on you at the Johnson City Carmike Cinemas. |
MAY
23rd, 2005 |
AT
THE MOVIES When I was a child our mother divested us of the evil influence of the television at an early age. As a result, when I was old enough to do things on my own I became an avid movie goer. There was something about going into a cool dark theatre and watching these glorious images larger than life up on the silver screen. I began to keep a notebook with all the movies I had seen with my own ranking system and notes. As I got into college, I had filled 5 notebooks with only 2 or 3 lines devoted to each movie. I found the Kentucky Theatre one evening with my roommate Paul in our sophomore year at EKU. It was on Main Street Lexington and was a step back into the past. We saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time and were hooked. As soon as we walked in you knew you were in someplace special. Old movie posters were on the wall and the carpet was worn and faded as was everything else in the place but its beauty still showed through giving you a view of what movies and stage entertainment were like in decades past. It was two dollars to get in when everyplace else in town was at least 7. The concessions were reasonably priced with free refills on the drinks. Lighting was dramatic and low and every inch of space on the walls was covered with scroll woodwork and filigree with gold highlights. It was very Baroque or even dare I say Rococo. The ceilings all had stained glass and the auditorium seated well over seven hundred people. There were red velvet curtains drawn in front of the stage that covered what seemed like an acre of screen and an actual performance stage. Sometimes the KY was still used for plays and performances. What used to be the old Orchestra Pit was now bare and was often used as a dance floor as it was on that first night we showed up. We were greeted by the crowd of people inside with Water Guns as they squirted us and all yelled, "Virgin Virgin Virgin". It was a baptism, so to speak, into the cult like fan base that surrounded The Rocky Horror Picture Show (RHPS). We threw rice and tissue paper, screamed out our lines with prompting from our new found friends and danced the glorious Time Warp just mere feet away from a 20 foot tall Dr. Frankenfurter up on the screen dressed in drag, finally falling down on the dance floor to strain our necks upwards and watch the rest of the movie and usually passing different bottles of various recreational liquids around between ourselves. Afterwards we would all pitch in and help clean the theatre. With several hundred humans involved in a task it went quite quickly and within 10 minutes the entire theater would be spotless and ready for the regular shows the next day. Paul and I made this a normal part of our Friday night entertainment for over a year until the beautiful Kentucky Theatre burned. A fire spread from the Gay Biker Bar next door called "Juice's Showroom". I was heart broken. Now there would be no more RHPS at Midnight on Fridays, no more first run movies in my favorite theatre on the big screen. I had to hie myself back to the regular theaters. At this point, I began to notice things I didn’t like about the modern movie going experience. Over the years I have written several essays about the movies and in the following weeks I will post a few of them. I hope they make you think and question not only the movies but life in general, and our perception of it. |
FEBRUARY
1st, 2005 |
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WOULD
YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? Things that piss me off ... at the top of the list with Crying Babies in Movie Theaters and people who leave the door open when the air conditioning is on; are Fast Food Drive-Thrus that have people working who refuse to listen to your order. I hate it when you drive up and they ask can I take your order, and when you start to give it they say, "Wait just a moment please." and leave you setting there for 8 to 10 minutes waiting for them to come back and take your order. Why did they ask if they could take your order if they weren’t ready to begin with? Then they place those little Concrete Barriers on the perimeter of the Drive Thru so if you get tired of waiting you can’t leave but have to continue waiting in line like cattle until you get some response or the line moves on. You either have to risk tearing out your oil pan driving over the 4 to 6 inch barrier or wait until you get up to the window and by that time you figure, "Well I am already here, I might as well go on ahead and get the order now no matter how badly they have screwed it up". Or in the case of some people they feel intimidated now that they are facing a real human being and buckle-under rather than saying, "You have made this whole experience so unpleasant and I now refuse to eat here or pay for this slop." ... and drive off. I hate it when you are giving your order and the person taking it keeps interrupting to ask questions. "Do you want that extra crispy or original recipe?" "Do you want everything on that or just mayo?" Well, if you would just shut the hell up! I will tell you dick head. Shut the pie hole you call a mouth and listen that’s what they are paying you for. To listen to my order. I wouldn’t be here giving it to you if I didn’t already know what I wanted and you keep interrupting me. I hate it when you start the order and ask for something out of the ordinary. Something like a drink with no ice. The speaker box gets quiet and at the end of your order it says, "Can you repeat that". What the whole order? Which part didn’t you understand? Usually in this case someone else comes on over the speaker who is usually the Supervisor and says, "Can you repeat that order please". What? You had someone on the line taking orders who didn’t speak English. It was a test? What happened to the first person? I hate it when they try to use suggestive sales and say something like, “Do you want fries with that?” or “Do you want to Super Size that?” or “Do you want the Combo?”. Hell no! If I wanted some of the greasy nasty fries I would have ordered some. It’s not like I forgot about them with the 18 inch high glossy photo of them here on the menu staring me back in the face the whole time I placed my order. No, I don’t want fries with that. In fact, for the past few years I have adopted an ordering method of saying “... and that will be all” at the end of my order. That means I don’t want anything else, that’s all I want, finished end of the order, no more. When they rejoin with “Would you like two apple pies for only 99 cents?” I say, "What?". They repeat themselves and I say, "What?". This continues until they get confused, which isn’t very long, than I say, "Did you get my order?" and they say, "Yes". I ask, "Did you understand it?" They say, "Yes". I then ask them, "Did I order an apple pie?" they say, "No". I ask in my best dad-voice explaining a simple obvious fact to an idiot child, “Then don’t you think I would have ordered an apple pie if I wanted one?”. In these situations I know they are going to spit in my food so I then cancel the order and drive off. I hate it when the speaker is so garbled all you hear is "AaaaaKKkkpphhtt" or "Ggghhbbllxx". You have to yell louder and louder trying in vain to be heard and then when you think they have it right as you try to interpret the garbled sounds emanating from the speaker you realize they have no idea what you want and there is no way in hell you are getting whatever it was that you ordered. I hate it when you give the order and they repeat it back to you and it has no relationship to what you just told them. Thus ensues a minute’s long, back and fourth banter to try to unravel the verbal jigsaw puzzle that is your order. How hard can it be? Are there really that many stupid people in the world? No wait, don’t answer that it will just depress me. I hate it when you drive off and open the bag after the ordeal of ordering has been accomplished like a Medieval Battle in Full Plate Mail Armor and it’s the wrong order. It’s like the whole ordering process had absolutely nothing to do with what you actually got. You then either eat what they decided to give you because you are in a hurry, or you get out and go in and try to find someone who works behind the counter with at least a little spark of intelligence behind their eyes. Trust me, it’s easier to just eat the wrong order. There’s no one in there with higher than a room temperature IQ. I hate it when they say, "Sir, it’s going to be a few moments ... can you pull forward and we will bring it out to you?". I always say, "No, I can’t do that because you will just forget about me or hope that I become tired of waiting." and drive away. "I am setting right here until I get the order I paid for". They usually come back with, "You are holding up the line." and I say, "No, you are because instead of getting back there and fixing my freaking food you are wasting time here arguing with me and I am not about to move until I get my order." That usually speeds them on their way. What I really hate the most though is when you pay for a 5 or 6 dollar order with a twenty and get back change for a ten. When you bring it to their attention they deny it and when escalated to the manager they usually say they will check the drawer at the end of the shift and if it is over they will send you your change. Right, like the 3 card Monte in Drive Thru won’t have pocketed the difference by then. This has happened to me on so many occasions I now perform a special little adjustment to the 20 or 50 I am paying with. I tear off a ragged small chunk from the corner and lay it on the seat beside me. When the situation arises I have the manager pull out all of the 20s or 50s and have them select the one with the chunk out of the corner. I then hand them my piece which fits perfectly. They get embarrassed and stutter around and give me the remainder of my change. In those situations I hope the little turds responsible loose their jobs, go broke, get evicted out of their apartments, and die cold hungry and alone in a ditch on the bad side of town with no sympathy from anyone except the local Sterno Bum. Most people are cattle and just suck it up rather than voice their displeasure at how bad the service is. That’s why I drive a F150. Screw the little concrete barriers. I drive over them. Or I will go up to the window and ask to speak to the manager who is more often than not a pimply faced teen who really doesn’t care because he is in a dead end job supervising people who are slinging grill scabs for a living. Just remember, you are the consumer not a victim. When a Drive Thru treats you like a heard animal ... stand up for yourself. |
