     
     
|
 |
ANDREW'S
RANTS ARCHIVE #2 THE ANDREW' RANTS ARCHIVE OF PAST COLUMNS ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #1 CURRENT ANDREW'S RANTS ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #3 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #4 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #5 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #6 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #7 ANDREW'S RANTS ARCHIVE #8 |
NOVEMBER
15th, 2004 |
ARE
WE OUR BROTHER'S KEEPERS? I have the solution to this whole Middle East strife problem and the rampant terrorism that is plaguing the civilized world. Let’s look at the problem first. A lot of Middle Eastern, goat-marrying, towel-headed, camel smelling, uneducated, screaming fanatics say they hate us because we support the nation of Israel. They say we are the great Satan and they hate us because we don’t worship the same god as they do. I say that is all just an excuse they propagate to spread hate. They hate us because we are the haves and they are the have not's. We live longer, have better food, drive cars, have houses, look better, and live a lifestyle that most of them can only dream of. It boils down to basic human nature, they want to live like us but since they can't they would like to see us all dead. Sure the little rag-heads like to use religion as the basis for their hate and claim they are just striking back at us because we interfere in their way of life. They even go so far as to say that their religion does not advocate violence. But they will be the first to strap on an explosive belt and blow up a bus station or hijack a plane. In contrast, you don’t have too many Baptists capping people at airports. I like to think that if I was going to be that stupid I would want to make my death more meaningful than taking out 3 or 4 of my supposed enemies on a sidewalk. Life is meaningless to these heathens and they are little better than animals in their dealings with other cultures and with each other. They have been fighting for thousands of years over whatever it is they fight over. I don’t know sand, camels, dates, water, whatever the reason is they have a history of internal strife and civil unrest covered in a blanket of fanaticism and bloodshed. The only reason they are of any importance to the rest of the world is their oil. They have a natural resource that everyone else wants. In fact, we as Americans pay through the nose whatever price they want and they gladly sell it to us. They bring in staggering sums of money each year from their oil production but it does not seem to trickle down into the rest of the strata of their economy. With all of that said, I think we all recognize that the basis of the terrorist movements in the world originate for the most part in the Middle East. The governments claim they are not involved and don’t know who is. The religious leaders proclaim peace and condemn the violence while it still continues all around them. You get the sneaking suspicion that they both are quietly winking and giving a go ahead to the various terrorist groups and even helping to fund and support them. Take a look at Yasser Arafat. For decades this slug of a human being supposedly fought against terrorist activity and advocated peace. If his people who supposedly loved him so much really felt that way they would make an effort to resolve the conflicts they find themselves in. The county of Saudi Arabia our supposed political ally in dealing with the likes of Afghanistan and Iraq sits back and quietly funds terrorist activities. They harbor terrorist groups and provide financial funding while we just suck it up when the scandals break about their deceit because we want their oil. All of these groups and governments are quite well aware of what is happening in their little sand lots. They know where and what is happening and deep down in their black little hearts they want to see us all dead. They should be held accountable for their countrymen. The old question “am I my brother’s keeper?” is yes. And we should hold them to that. If they really wanted to put a stop to the terrorism they could. My plan would ensure that they have the motivation to do so. My solution will be considered by most to be harsh and cruel, harming innocents and those not involved. Tell that to the people in the now vanished World Trade Centers or the people killed in the Pentagon on 9/11. I know it sounds callous but in reality war is a terrible thing and it is never pretty. When we had to bomb Hiroshima I can just imagine the anguish that the President must have put himself through to reach that terrible decision. But it was the right decision to prevent further loss of life and end a war. That’s what we are in now is a war. One with not so clearly defined opponents as the media would have us to believe. I say that our enemy was defined pretty clearly when the President described an axis of evil. We should hold those governments responsible for the actions of the citizens they fund and support along with the actions of their relatives and neighbors. The terrorist receive their funding and supplies from tin pot dictators such as Pol Pot of North Korea and from countries like Syria, Iraq, Iran, and Saudi Arabia. The French sell them weapons and others make it possible for them to hide and train on their soil. America should treat this as a war not of terrorism by small groups and individuals, but as a war of countries and religions that support terrorism as a way of life. If we apply pressure, real definable measurable consequences unilaterally on all the countries that are affiliated or support terrorism any time there is an attack, we would see a halt to the affliction of terrorism upon the civilized world. Those countries responsible who claim innocence would make sure that they took it upon themselves to eradicate the presence of terrorist activities and support within not only their own countries but neighboring countries as well. Those countries who might not be responsible for any current attack but who also harbor terrorism should be held equally accountable in the event of any future attacks. Let them police each other out of fear of repercussions from the United States. Let the entire world understand we will not stand for anyone to terrorize us or our allies and that we are the big kid on the block and we will use that leverage to make the world safer, even if it results in war and innocents being killed. In the long term it will serve the greater good of humanity, just as Hiroshima did. Once the countries that support terrorism understand we will no longer stand for their duplicity and will act accordingly they will solve the problem for us from within. The solution is harsh in the extreme but would only need to be used once or twice at the most. It is a grim solution one that shows no quarter and as I wrote previously would kill countless innocents. But in the long run it would bring a stop to terrorism. The President would address the United Nations and the World with a statement. In it we would list the countries at the top of our list based upon their actions, past history and current intelligence that are most suspect as harboring or supporting terrorists. We would promise that with the next attack upon American citizens or upon our country that we would drop neutron bombs on the capital cities of 5 of the top countries on our list. With the next attack we would bomb 5 more secondary cities and an additional 5 more capitals in 5 other countries associated with the terrorist plague. Only once or twice would have the entire world scrambling to eradicate the terrorist threat from their nations and from their neighbors so that they would not be targeted for retaliation. You can bet that even if they were not guilty they would fear guilt by association and help all of their neighbor’s clean house so to speak. Harsh? Yes! Would the rest of the world condemn it? You bet! Is it the right thing to do? More than likely not. It would cause damage and panic the likes of which have never been seen. Would it solve the problem? You Bet!!! I guarantee that overnight terrorism of any kind would reach an historic low. Keep in mind we only want to buy their oil and do honest trade with them. They want to kill our children and us because they are "foaming at the mouth, mad dog fanatics" with no regard for human life. You can’t try to understand animals like that or reason with them. You can only train them to respond to certain stimuli. A nuke or two would be quite sufficient in supplying the right training I would think. |
NOVEMBER
1st, 2004 |
EVERYTHING
7 DOLLA My Wife, who is the sweetest person who I know in the entire world, can sometimes show a mean streak that is quite uncharacteristic. Perhaps its because she has to put up with my caustic personality on a daily basis that she occasionally will mentally torture a complete stranger. It must be her way of venting all that pent up rage she accumulates while dealing with my inane antics. One occasion comes to mind specifically. She had decided that she wanted to go shopping and as a reward I was allowed to go along. In other words, I was pack labor to carry bags and packages. We had been through several stores and had spent over an hour looking at new clothing without actually buying anything. Now this is a little off the point but why is it men are expected to go along on these little jaunts and patiently wait around for hours while every item on a sale rack, meaning the whole store is fingered or tried on. We men are expected to have a nice comment about every possible ensemble combination and somehow find a non-offensive answer to that question, "Does this make me look fat, or my butt look big?" Rather than screaming out, "I am blind, I can’t see!" and groping madly for the exit door, I have developed an answer that usually works. I say, "If it makes you happy it makes me happy". This, intermixed with grunts and nods, seems to work well. They really don’t want our opinion and never notice an ambiguous grunt assigning whatever meaning to it that they wish. Stores realize that this is the situation. They have those little hard prison benches scattered outside the dressing rooms and around the store. On them you will find grown men hunched over circles under their eyes holding their wife’s purse while she is trying on a new outfit. If you happen to be by the dressing room you have the added bonus of garnering evil glares from all the females entering there. They assume you are waiting for a fleeting chance to see some skin. Like you are some weird pervert rather than a man trying to make his wife happy by enduring this ordeal. I mean what normal heterosexual male would voluntarily spend an hour in the bra section of Wal Mart unless he was with his wife? An unattached man, or one who is better than I, escaping these situations would make a beeline for sporting goods or electronics. Women expect us to go shopping with them because their girlfriends are competition. They all start out with the best intentions, shopping with the girls, but soon it devolves into those catty little situations where it becomes who is the skinniest or looks the best in a revealing outfit and the entire trip is ruined. With us they get a bag carrier and a captive "yes man" to reinforce their decisions. But the situation is not reciprocal. If you want to go to a hardware store and get a new tool, after 3 minutes the complaints start. My feet hurt, how long is this going to take?, have you found what you need yet?, what do you need that for?, do we really need that?, can we go yet?, I have to use the restroom and the one here is filthy, and so on. I have seen my wife shop non-stop for 6 hours once while on vacation but somehow she cannot manage 3 minutes in Lowe’s. God forbid you run in while they wait in the car. Even if you only take ten minutes from start to finish they have gotten hot and irritated, even with the air conditioning on and you will pay for it for the rest of the evening. Anyway on this particular shopping trip my wife had finally drug me into a store called Everything 7 Dollars. There was a small middle-aged Asian man behind the cash register with a sign that said NO TAKE CHECK OR CREDIT CARD. Evidentially he only accepted cash and had no grasp of proper grammar. My wife dived into the clothing racks like an Olympic swimmer and soon emerged with a sweater and waved it at the little Asian man and said, "How much is this?", because nothing in the store was marked. I can only assume that she thought it was like a Dollar General Store where everything wasn’t a dollar but just low priced. The little man harrumphed and looked put out that he had to put down his Chinese newspaper and said, "it 7 dolla". Satisfied with the price my wife went back to shopping. Next she held up a blouse from the back of the store and yoo-hooed the little man while waiving the blouse and said, "how much?". Exasperated the little Chinese man threw down the paper and yelled back, "IT SEVEN DOLLA!". Taken back by his attitude my wife’s face hardened and I just watched on from the sidelines thinking, "Buddy, you just screwed up". Once again this time with a fake innocent smile on her face my wife requested a price on an item. The little man now no longer attempting to read shouted, "Lady, evething in stoor seven dolla!". My wife continued this several more times the situation almost comical her asking prices the little man getting angrier and angrier his little black goatee quivering with anger. She came up to the register with an armload of items and he retreated behind the safety of the cash register. My wife began to quiz him on the prices of items she had brought up. "Surely, this isn’t seven dollars it's much too nice" or "This has to be more than 7 dollars". On each one the little Asian man now answered in a straight monotone "7 Dolla", "7 Dolla", "7 Dolla". Finally he freaked and began to scream, "Lady, you crazy everything in stoor seven dolla!, eveything everywhere all seven dolla!" He was so mad he was shaking and spit globs were shot-gunning from his mouth as he yelled. Slamming his little fist on the counter he screamed, "Get out my stoor! Get out now!" "Eveything 7 dolla! No come back crazy lady!". Laughing we exited the store and returned home. Brooke claimed that she felt much better and that getting the little man that mad was fun. She knew it was wrong and she shouldn’t have done it but it was so much fun she claimed. Even today we will nudge each other in similar situations and say, "7 dolla". |
OCTOBER
18th, 2004 |
DO
YOUR JOB The other day I purchased a bed for my kid and a Weed Eater for myself on my day off from work. Ethan felt that the bed he currently had was for little kids and wanted to put his mattress on something more manly. He is getting to be a teen and is feeling like he needs to assert himself. We picked out a queen size brushed stainless steel and pine bed that has a very definite masculine flair. Next we went to the ever present and ubiquitous Wal-Mart and I picked out a new Weed Eater. It was a Toro brand but looked exactly like the Snapper I had last season. It was a piece of underpowered crap and fell apart after two months of use. We took our purchases home but stopped on the way at Lowe’s. On an impulse I bought an entertainment center made out of that compressed fake wood stuff that weighs a ton. I had to hurry home before I completely spent the entirety of my paycheck for the week. The first thing I opened was the Weed Eater. I figured that I would work outside while it was still cool enough in the morning and then when it got hot I would go inside and assemble the furniture. I had to use a box cutter to get into the packaging because they had it sealed like Fort Knox. 3 layers of cardboard with huge brass staples 3 inches long holding it all together. Inside the form fitting Styrofoam posed another obstacle and then the plastic bagging that was to tough to tear with your hands and had to be cut off with special attention to the heavy fiber reinforced tape that closed the ends of the bag that was almost indestructible. Like any real man I did not read the instructions but just started assembling the unit. It was the same exact one as the Snapper I already had. The same company, just sold to a different middleman, made it and their name was placed on it. I got rather pissed at the fact that I had paid more money for the exact same product, but what can you do. I finally managed to get the entire thing assembled and was down to putting on the support handle and realized there were no screws to attach the unit. I looked all through the packaging and could not find them. Now I was mad. In some foreign country like that pest hole called Indonesia there is a factory cranking out these things. Some slope head on the assembly line has the job of dropping in a hardware package into each box as it trundles by on its way to the civilized world. Somehow the simple act of placing one prewrapped plastic pouch in each box seems to be beyond these snapper heads. Little Nyoman, as I refer to him, screws it up. He misses several boxes at a time. Drool collecting on his chin, eyes crossed, and all of his brain cells burned away from the crack he has lived on all his life. He has no idea of what his is doing. Wal-Mart who used to advertise that they bought everything American made whenever they could no longer follows this policy and buys the cheapest product available worldwide to feed the American consumers thirst for cheaper products. As a result quality went out the window. You can’t bring the price down and expect quality to remain high. So I suffer and Nyoman gets a job slacking off and earning 2 American dollars a day. All he had to do was put 4 frigging screws into the damn box but that was beyond him. Pissed off and sweaty I returned the Weed Eater to Wal-Mart and exchanged it for a new one. I got back home after being subjected to the mind numbing process of going through Wal-Mart's return procedures and trying to reassure the dumb blond behind the desk that the unit did not have fuel in it. I sat down on the back porch steps and began the process again. I started with the support handle and yes, the parts were there. But when I got to the trimming head it was missing the reverse threaded nut that holds it onto the shaft. Now normally I would have just taken it like a dicked over consumer and found a nut in my shop to place on the unit, but this was a reverse threaded 11 millimeter metric nut. I doubt there was one in the entire town available at any of the hardware stores and specialty fastener places combined. I freaked out. Nyoman had screwed me again. All he had to do was place the parts in the freaking box as it went by. What did he do with them? If he missed a box then did he realize his mistake and perhaps put two hardware packs in the next box in an erroneous attempt to make up for his screw up? If so why did I never get a box with two packs of hardware? Really pissed off now I returned this unit to Wal-Mart. I then went to a place that sells lawn equipment exclusively. It's expensive and out of the way but I needed a new trimmer that worked. I bought a Husquavarna. It was a beauty. It came fully assembled and ready to go. Just add the gas and oil mix and you are on your way. It cost 350.00 for the fool thing but it was like buying the equivalent of a Lexus in lawn equipment. I trimmed the yard for a while and then went inside to assemble the entertainment system. Yep, you guessed it. It was missing about 20 of the little locking cams that fit into precut slots and hold the thing together. In this instance Nyoman was supposed to place about 50 of these little fasteners in the bag but managed in his slope headed ignorance to miscount by 20. Was it just pure apathy or simple “eat up with the dumb ass” as my best buddy George used to say that caused this phenomenon. I took this unit back to Lowe's and exchanged it. Before I made a repeat of my earlier mistake with the Weed Eater I opened the new one they’re on the sales floor before I even loaded the heavy sucker into the flat cart. I wanted to make sure it had all the parts. I had opened a total of 5 boxes before I got so disgusted that I just left the entire mess there and walked out. Nyoman had struck again, not a single one had contained the correct hardware to assemble them. I returned home and with fear and trepidation I opened the box containing my kids bed. Surely I thought Nyoman didn’t get this one as well. But Nope! I was wrong. It was missing all but one of the bolts that connect the frame to the headboard and footboard. I went to Home Depot this time with that one bolt. I did manage to match it up and got 7 more along with the necessary washers and nuts. My whole point to this is the Nyomans of the World should do their jobs. They have one specific thing to do in their job description and somehow they manage to screw it up 99% of the time. They get my order wrong in the Drive Thru, they misapply my power bill payment or my cable bill payment. I have consumer products that are missing all the parts and pieces or the auto mechanic forgets to put back in the oil plug when I have the oil changed. My mower doesn’t work when I get it home it just blows smoke or my new hard drive has a faulty motor. Do Your Job people. That’s all I ask is just do the little mind numbingly simple task you have been assigned. Wipe the slobber from your lower lip and stop grunting like a Neanderthal long enough to use at least two brain cells and create some friction up there in the vast emptiness that is your skull. To the genius at the newspaper who screwed up my add and listed me as having a Yard Sale, I have nothing but contempt for you. All you had to do was type in what I gave you exactly as it was on the paper. But NOOOOOO! he screwed up the only thing he does. To all the Nyomans out there who screw up their simplistic jobs with an alacrity that borders on fanaticism, you are just useless pieces of human trash good for nothing more than spending life sucking on the welfare teat and being a leech to society. In fact I would rather they not work at all, as opposed to screwing up my day by doing their job badly. Don’t the places that hire them have quality controls or care about the negative impact on their bottom line from all the returned merchandise. I have had some stinker jobs in my life that I hated, but I always did them to the best of my ability even if I didn’t like them. Is that something to brag about? I don’t think so. It should just be standard practice. If you don’t like what you are doing then find something different but don’t do your job badly and screw up my day. Once again, DO YOUR JOB! That’s all I ask is just do your job right. Screw those caps on tight, count those nuts and bolts, pass those laws in Congress whatever it is, just freaking do it and don’t make me have to do it for you. |
