THE RED RIVER SAGA: NEWSCENTER

(Continued from NEWSCENTER)

Life Explained
One day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed

On the next day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back
ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give
you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life. You want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?"
And God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten
years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

The Dress
A woman walked into her son's house. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, Totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing", he said. "what's for dinner?

The Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, go fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

The Trees
There were 2 trees in a forest ... a birch and a beech. The 2 trees were always arguing as to which was the better tree
... a birch or a beech. One day, a little sapling tree grew up between them. This started a new argument ... is the new tree
a son-of-a-birch or a son-of-a-beech?

A woodpecker happened by and the trees asked him, "Mr. woodpecker would you please peck on that little tree
and tell us is it a son-of-a-birch or a son-of-a-beech?"

The woodpecker did as asked and answered, "Neither my friends.
That's the best piece of ash I've sunk my pecker in for a long time."

The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!",
he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly
charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was
pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God! "

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a Bright Light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny My existence for
all of these years, teaching others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into The Light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said The Voice. The Light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen. "