     
      |
 |
MAD
MOUNTAIN MIKE'S WILDERNESS NEWS ARCHIVE #1 THE MMM WILDERNESS NEWS ARCHIVE OF PAST COLUMNS CURRENT MAD MOUNTAIN MIKE'S WILDERNESS NEWS MAD MOUNTAIN MIKE'S WILDERNESS NEWS ARCHIVE #2 |
MAY
23rd, 2005 |
MARK
YOUR CALENDAR Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! Monday is the official SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER Holiday: "Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a crap about?" Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce Monday as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow: *
You can only slap one person per hour - no more. *
If questioned by a Supervisor [or Police, if the Supervisor is
the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! |
APRIL
18th, 2005 |
SMART?
YOU'LL BE SMARTER AFTER THIS Wisdom comes in many forms and times, spread throughout each of our lives. Now is one of those times. Read Below and become a Smarter Person for it: 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Have a good day ... |
FEBRUARY
1st, 2005 |
THINK
YOU'VE GOT IT TOUGH? If you don't know where you are going, any path will take you there. - Sioux Proverb A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a Shirt on and a Button fell off. I picked up my Briefcase, and the Handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the Bathroom. I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a Toaster and Radio. I was such an ugly baby .... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly .... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the Waiting Room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I'm so ugly .... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly .... I worked in a Pet Shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said ... "I don't know; but, your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of Sleeping Pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my Kite in the air?" He told me to run off a Cliff. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a Pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times ---three of those times I was reading it. One year they wanted to make me Poster Boy - for Birth Control. My Uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the Electric Chair. |
