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MAY
29th, 2005 |
TOP
15 POLICE COMMENTS The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country: #15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." #14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." #11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" #10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" #9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO." #6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." #4. "Just how big were those two beers?" #3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC" #2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." And .................... THE BEST ONE! #1. "You didn't think we give Pretty Women Tickets? You're right, We Don't. Sign Here |
DECEMBER
12th, 2005 |
FISH
EQUALS FUN During this Holiday Season it's never too early to be thinking about the Outdoors of 2006. Read on for some light-hearted stuff . . . A FISHING LURE A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one." OOOooops! Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My Wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my Wife. But this is my Mother-in-Law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" BAD WEATHER One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph. Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the Weather Channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?" A PASTOR, A PRIEST, AND A RABBI A Pastor, a Priest and a Rabbi were out for a day of fishing. After getting into the boat they had just pulled away from the dock when the Rabbi said stop the boat I forgot the coffee, the Pastor who was driving the boat said, "I will turn around and take you back to the dock" and the Rabbi said, "Oh, no need I will be right back". The Rabbi quickly jumped out of the boat and ran across the water to shore and then to his car to fetch the coffee and then ran back across the water and got back in the boat. Well, the Pastor not wanting to be shown up by the Rabbi said, "Oh my I forgot the sandwiches" and quickly jumped out of the boat to attempt running across the water like the Rabbi but instead sank quickly to the bottom of the Lake. With that the Priest looked angrily at the Rabbi and said, "You should have shown him where the rocks were". TRADE "I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife ... best trade I ever made." |
FEBRUARY
1st, 2005 |
JOHN'S
FIRST ATTACK I have a question! Is there a reason for the state of Ohio to be a 'state'? I think it should be it's own country. In order for people to leave there they should have to: First, get a Passport; Second, have a Good Reason to leave; and Last, they should have to pass an IQ Test before being allowed to depart the state. It's not only Red River where you run into stupid JAFO's. If you ever go to Lake Cumberland, during the warm months, you will see exactly why I feel this way. As everybody probably knows I like to fish and that is impossible to do on Cumberland at this time. People drive all the way down from Ohio with their $50,000 30' Runabout boats that have no logical reason just so they can run back and forth down the lake all day long. If there were just one or two of these boats it wouldn't be that bad but it's not. There are hundreds of these down every weekend. There are sign's at all of the big marinas saying "Welcome Ohio Navy". And they call them that for a damn good reason. You can ask any fisherman on Cumberland what is the best way to cheer up after a bad day of Lake Fishing and they will tell you, "To watch somebody from Ohio do something Stupid". Now I don't like to wish bad luck on anybody; but, when these Runabouts have problems loading and unloading from their trailer. I just can't help but crack a smile and think, "If only you had enough sense to get a smaller more practical boat none of this would happen". And when they do have problems, they seem to take out their frustrations on other people. Like for instance a friend of mine (who I am going to keep anonymous for legal reasons) was down there last summer, he was at the ramp cleaning some fish he had caught and a couple from "you know where" were trying to put a boat in the water. Now, it wasn't busy, there was plenty of room but for some reason the JAFO's were having problems putting in and when they finally got their boat in the water the man driving shouted out, "If People wouldn't block the Ramp it would make things a lot easier!". Now my friend, who was cleaning his fish with an 8" Filet Knife in his hand and minding his own business, took this personal and started to chase the man up the ramp, knife in hand. All of this goes back to my point that they (JAFO's) aren't really smart because there is no way I am going to say something to a man with a knife in his hand that could possibly make him mad. That's just stupid. I guess the whole point of my little story is to try to figure a way to eradicate stupid JAFO's from our beautiful state of Kentucky. Maybe we can start a fund raiser and the money can go to the state of Ohio to dig a really big ditch for the people to play in and maybe they will stay out of Red River. After that is completed they could dig a really big hole and fill it with water so the "Ohio Navy" will have a place to play and leave our lakes alone.We could call it the JAFO AWAY FUND. I would proudly like to make the first $10 donation. WHO'S WITH ME?!! |
